It’s OK not to thrive
Some of this talk will be a bummer. Sorry about that. If you are in a fragile state of mind then by all means drop off the call for 5 mins. Make yourself a cup of tea. Go to the bathroom.
So I want to talk a little bit about my personal experiences, a little bit about unhelpful narratives, and then a little bit about trying to ensure that life doesn’t suck. Because I put it to all of you that in order to thrive, lets start with things not to sucking.
2019 was a bit of a rollercoaster for me. I got made redundant in April and then had a contract end 6 months later. I got clinically depressed. But that was OK because I finally got some treatment and lined up a new job. 2020 was going to be awesome.
So then there was a pandemic and I got fired from that new job. There was a contracting gig that was perpetually going to start in 2 weeks time. From what I hear, it is still due to start in 2 weeks time. Someone close had a serious operation. Then their grandfather died. Then my dad died.
I am not saying this to garner sympathy. Unless that sympathy takes form of large volumes of cash with no strings attached. I have another new job now. My various families are healthy. Am I thriving? Well, things aren’t sucking. Achievement unlocked.
So I want to say a little bit now about narratives that I think actively harm our ability to handle stress, disappointment and grief.
You may have seen posts on LinkedIn about people who get up at 4am to exercise and meditate then work a 12 hour day at their job and then about 6 hours at their side hustle. They see themselves as high achievers to be emulated. Everyone who is not working 18 hour days is a loser who deserves nothing but poverty and contempt. Life is a game and the point is to win. In corporate environments, your refusal to attend a conference call at 7pm and the hackathon over the weekend is seen as a lack of commitment and a failure to live the corporate values. You are not a team player.
This mindset has been called “Toxic Productivity”. It takes perfectly reasonable desires for achievement and effectiveness to a pathological extreme where we exploit others and punish ourselves.
You might call it LinkedIn Syndrome.
A related condition takes the nostrums of positive psychology to the dark side. Toxic positivity. It is a constant stream of inspirational and misattributed quotes. A focus on “good” emotions like joy, peace, love. A disavowal of “bad” emotions like anger, fear, disappointment, boredom. Accentuate the positive and eliminate the negative. Except that the negative can never be eliminated – just hidden from view. You don’t want to be stuck with an “Eeyore” – someone who complains about everything and gets pleasure in nothing. Those people are exhausting. But so are “Tiggers”. People for whom nothing negative ever happens. Your life seems imperfect compared to theirs.
You might call it Instagram Syndrome.
I am not a mental health professional. Do not listen to what I say. But I will say the following.
You do not always have to be productive. You do not always have to be positive. You do not have to always feel good. It’s OK to feel bad sometimes. Tho it’s probably bad if you feel bad alone.
If you are feeling bad then talk to someone. If you continue to feel bad beyond a few days talk to a professional. Getting exercise, eating sensibly, trying to rest are also good. It’s OK.